The words punch a hole through my heart
and once reeling I shoot missiles
from my upturned stomach
still churning my buttered ideals
At the bottom of this brittle barrel
lies my carcass of weakness
I can’t bear to see, don’t want to feel
but knowing I have no choice
I look inside and taste my nausea
with just one sip of self I sicken
my disease growing stronger
like the cancer I’ve become
And I want to punch back
but futility has me on the ropes
you could have been reading my heart last night. Very emotionally charged.
Indeed it was Len. Hope yours is healing… x
thank you I pray for everyone that has this kind of pain to heal. You are a very talented author and I appreciate your words. God Bless
xx
You’ve found the beauty in your brokenness, Vanessa. Even a broken heart doesn’t warrant a waste of good paper.
So many things that love forgot to tell us. ~ Love you, Bobbie
Wonderful Bobbie, you are too kind to me. I feel awful that I am only managing an occasional visit with you lately, but please know that I still very much value the opportunities when I manage to find time to come and read you. Lots of love to you, be sure I will always stop by when I can xx
Wow Vanessa – this is powerful stuff… and very well-expressed. The idea of the senseless anger eating from within. I really like this poem.
Thank you Hollyanne, yes this was a bit of a gut wrencher to write! Xx
Muhammad Ali won two world titles by hanging on the ropes instead of fighting back. Like him, you have to pick your time.
Excellent piece
Nick
Vanessa, I don’t know the nature of your illness, but whatever it is, you certainly got me with the depths of its effect on you. The “Carcass of weakness” was especially powerful, and the idea of consuming your own illness, truly haunting. Peace, honey. Amy
Hi Amy. Well firstly let me ease your concerns and clarify that I am fortunately in good health, however the feelings that went into this were in fact as strong as a kind of sickness so you were accurate to pick up on that. It was more like my intense physical reaction coupled with the sense of that tiny part of myself that makes me sick to my stomach (a big dose of self loathing)…the emotions that sparked this were from my gut and surprised me with their intensity so I’m glad it came across. Thank you so much for your kind comment and for feeling something in response to my words.
can def feel the despair verging on anger throughout. ‘just one sip of self I sicken’ is a great line…so often getting past ourselves is the greatest challenge
Wow. This captured the universal feeling, but it was intensely personal. Just great!
futility can be a strong rope, just like pride.. intense captured emotions here vanessa…well done
Ah such a well of despair and broken ness Vanessa – makes me wat to lift, nourish and soothe – your words conveyed and evoked so much – Lib
Thank you, what a lovely thing to say. Look forward to popping over to read you later.
Well I am glad to read that you are healthy ~ I like the share, specially the third stanza ~ Very intense write ~
I sure am, thanks and glad you appreciated the intensity.
This is such an intense write. And it strikes that when we really look at and own the parts of ourselves that are uglier, the sense that I walk away with is the intensity that you describe so well here
Thank you, the fact that you walked away with something is compliment enough for me. Lovely to see you here Audrey
Ooohhhh now then!!! This has some bite! Without saying too much, I think I know where this has come from- and I think it’s healthy to get it out. Some great great lines in this ‘churning buttery ideals’- I REALLY like that…..I think all I can say is …(and you’ll take the piss by saying I’m all fluffy- hey I DEFINE fluffy)- but this is perfectly human. I LOVE the way you express it- right up my street- but just dont beat yourself up….k? You cabinet headed individual? Sorry- I can’t help myself
Knob head… And I say that with much love and respect.
Your best reply ever- thanks for that!
Oh nice! Thanks for that- best reply ever
As a poet I have a natural way with words…. He he he he
But I do of course appreciate your kindness, support and encouragement.
Wow. You caught a lightning bolt here and put it on paper.
Thanks Susan, love that comment thanks x
you so did that
Gutsy girl ~ you went for it! For me, you told it like it is … sometimes.
When ‘on the ropes’ we indulge … and then get fed up with it and fight ie ‘punch back’
Ooh gutsy, I like that Polly thanks. And much congratulations on the dVerse competition success by the way, really looking forward to reading it
Ah, to you too Vanessa, so pleased to see your name there … still pinching myself!
As you should, it’s fantastic and much deserved xx
some really nice alliteration sprinkled through out this….fantastical imagery…and wicked flow….with just one sip of self I sicken
my disease growing stronger
like the cancer I’ve become…is my fav part…and this was felt…
Yes it was, thanks Brian, this one came gushing out like emotional vomit (if you’ll pardon the very unladylike expression!) and was felt at the time for sure… Over it now though, onward and upward!
We can sometimes be our own worst enemy. Glad you are not physically ill and that you were at least able to create something wonderful from such a negative beginning. Powerful and great imagery.
Thank you, sometimes the only way to rid yourself of the negative is to let it spill… Onto something safe like a blank page of course!
hauntingly beautiful.
I can feel the longing and the despair here…”and I want to punch back / but futility has me on the ropes”
The short and unadorned but complex phrases and images here(‘buttered ideals’ ‘carcass of weakness’) are tremendously descriptive and hit harder for not being too ornate–this seems like a write that just poured out intact and complete, relatively unedited–and the spewing image is strong. Can’t say I haven’t been there–hope it doesn’t last long, because it’s truly a hard place to be.
Oh, Vanessa…I know these feelings so very well. (And have just recently acquired much needed medication for the resulting bleeding in my gut!) The image is striking as well. I’ve never actually referred to myself as a carcass of weakness…but only cause I’ve never thought of it! Fantastic!
Very powerful – the sip of self very strong phrase. k.
Very emotive and powerful.
Intense and good write!
i adore the choice of vocabulary (‘carcass of weakness’ especially), the way your poem progresses..very, very intense for perception. thank you for sharing this, Vanessa~
“And I want to punch back
but futility has me on the ropes”
Is it anger or cancer that is eating the insides–or one masquerading as the other? Punching is futile, as in it will not change things, but O it is much better to express this that to hold it in. Thus, this be a healing poem!
Being in a dark place trying to fight one’s way out.Yeah, I can relate. Really good capture.
such a strong piece. Emotionally powerful, yet focused in the perfect manner. The ending is really moving. Thanks
Vanessa, a powerful piece on how self loathing can damage us. Strong write and the last two lines tie it up nicely. Thanks for visiting me and commenting. It is nice to meet you.
Pamela
You too Pamela, look forward to reading more of your work.
Unrequited rage and bitter despair. And that pic, while lovely, makes a potent contrast to the context of the words. (Even the beautiful suffer)